WHY have I come to where I am today?

It's been years, yes years since I ever touched this blog of mine.
Yes I blog, used to.
I guess, I'm somewhat reviving it again.
So much had happened these 3 years.

From my last updated post it was still before SPM, and now, college had passed me, and I'm already done with my first year in a dental school.
I used to wonder how will I be like in the future what course will I be taking.
Can I go overseas to study like all the gorgor cheche's?
Can I get into local university to lighten my parent's financial burden?
Will I be successful in life?

Hours ago, I was still looking closely to the screen, clicking the refresh button as if the keypad was spoilt, I was anxiously waiting for my results. Yes I've taken results for the past few years. Yet the number of butterflies in my stomach hasn't reduced much, I kept praying to God that I will get through this and carry on with the second year. I was so scared, so so desperate to know my results. That was a long morning.

Before I enter the school, I was reminded that I'm taking a very difficult course. I was not frightened at all when I was being told many times. I wanted to challenge myself with tough courses, I want to know how hard is hard. I want to push my boundaries, achieve great things, be successful and financially free.

During my A-levels, I tried applying to the dental schools in the UK, struggled with my personal statement,  preparing to sit for the aptitude tests required. I thought I have the capability to do it. My dream of studying in a renown institute, graduating with an internationally recognised degree has always been my motivation. But little did I know things are not as easy as it seems.

I was so called one of 'latecomers' in my college, simply because we were from the March intake. Which also meant that we were the crashed course students.  We were told that for the past years, March intake students can hardly get straight A's due to the many papers that we need to cramp within that 6 months.

When I was applying little did I realised that it's almost impossible to enter any of the UK dental schools. Firstly, I did not have a solid results like other applicants have because I have not sit for any papers yet as I was the later batch. Next, there are only 4-5 seats available for International students(which means not only Malaysians)in that mere 14 dental schools in UK with minimum requirement of 3A's. Everybody knows that, but I did not. I was too childish to have thought I could get in easily like any other courses.

However, I did not give up, I went to many edu fair's, one of them was by the UK organisers. I went. But that was when I start to discard my dream of studying dentistry overseas off, because it was just beyond my capability. The people there were quite discouraging as well, they were approaching me with warm smile and friendily ushered me to the coffee table, but went I posed the word dentistry, I knew from the way they answered me, 'girl, you better reconsider your choice'.

Deep down in my heart, I knew the expenses alone can be extremely demanding and immediately I thought of changing course. But I wasn't sure. I didn't what are the scope out there, I dare not explore more because dentistry is where my interest lies. After stuggled for quite awhile, I decided to continue with my choice but I decided to apply local.

And so after A levels, while waiting for offer letters, I went to a private clinic on weekends to shadow an elderly dentist. The main purpose is to get hold of how it feels like to be in a dental clinic since that is the environment that I'll be for the next few decades of my life. One funny thing is this, in my entire life, I'd never had any personal encounter with a dentist. Never. And I always brag about it, indirectly telling people how healthy are my teeth. But when people tried to link this with my passion to be in this field, I just kept quiet, I really don't know, perhaps I have never visited a dentist and hence, there was no fear arouse in me to take up this profession.

I even went to General Hospital, reason being partially because I was bored at home, but mainly mum wanted me to experience the worst case scenario to witness operations done on injured patients, where many cases are more than just filling, scaling and extractions. It was an oral surgery department and yup it was really an eye opener for me.

I get to know many of the housemen there, they were real friendly people and they shared their years as dental students and how much they had gone through to have come to this stage to being called a Dr.. That made me realised it is not just a career to earn a fortune but a service to those who are in need.

What struck me the most during that observation period was the special needs department(I hope I name it right), where the patients who looked like young kids  but in fact, they are adults with  retarded growth and mental disability. To deal with these patients, special care and extreme patience are needed to treat them, they can be really restless or be very resistance when something is felt in their mouth and they start to react differently. When I saw the specialised dentist, nurses together with the family concerned calming the patient down, I realised how hard must it be for the parents to bring up their child in this condition and how much optimism must the doctor carry each day to see this kind of patient daily. They were eye soaring scenes which made me more grateful for the perfect body I was gifted by God and how fortunate I am as compared to the family of those patients.

The clock ticked off it was almost two months, I got turned down by USM and AIMST. Then, I received my results slip on the mid of August, I quickly flew to IMU, the one which I had gone through with interview and still pending. I was saddened when one of the person who processed my results said, "Well, your results is good, but I'm afraid there are many more who have better results than you", it was a heart pierced comment made that I could still recall it till now.

I was afraid, I was scared of getting turned down again, if that was the case, there's nowhere else to go but to take a gap year. But the fees will always increase every year by more than RM30k, which I thought would be another lump sum of money needed to be invested.

And so, I decide to try one last school, which I never thought of applying due to many not-so-good comments made by the public, MAHSA. I went there the next day, and as expected, it was full house, long list of students waiting to be enrolled. I thought, that's fine, this is not where I want to be anyway. Still, I gave them my name.

A couple of weeks passed, I was attending my graduation ceremony in college. In the middle of the ceremony, my cell phone rang and I picked up. It was from MAHSA, I was offered a place. Yes! was my immediate response, there's a school that wants me, I'm not that unfortunate after all! But minutes later my excitement was gone, how I wished that call was from IMU, the university where I have put much more effort to get into. But my parents convinced me that I take that offer instead rather than waiting for an unknown reply from IMU. I was only given 3 days to consider from MAHSA, that was the hardest 3 days to get over with.

On that morning, I went to MAHSA and made the payment, it was a huge lump sum of money and I guess this is it, a place I never would have thought I would end up in, looking at the school compound, feeling hopeless. I dragged myself back home with a heavy heart not being able to comprehend what had happened. I know I should be relieved but I wasn't. It was in the afternoon when I reached home.

I sat on my couch, flipped my lappy and checked my mail...

At that very moment, I couldn't believe my eyes. The very first mail I saw, with the title boldly written, it was IMU offer letter! What is all this? I called up the office so many times the previous weeks asking for my application status, earnestly waiting for the email to be sent. And here it is, right in front of me, with my name and details in it, but just at the wrong time, so so wrong. I checked the time sent, It was sent in the wee hour of 5am! I got so stunned that I did not know what to do. What's God's plan for me, is it IMU or not? Why didn't I checked it earlier before leaving for MAHSA? Why? Or is it because I myself wanted it my own way, to choose the easier route rather than waiting upon His answer?

These questions had been lingering in my mind for a good whole year, thinking that if it was a punishment by God for not waiting upon His timing, my doubts went deeper as I faced a lot of problems especially in the middle of my first year. I have encountered many incidences that made felt that my choice of being here was a faulty decision. I kept blaming myself for this for several months. I hardly tell anybody where I studied and those who knew, were surprised as well when they learned that I am studying in a university which they never heard of. Everybody thought I studies at IMU.

In my uni, I started joining the disciple group in my CF, I got to know new people, and started to get comfortable with the CFer's. Then there reached a point in time, there was this session where one of them posed this question, 'Do you believe that God has a purpose to place you here in this college?' I don't, honestly, I really don't. That was the moment I shed tears and I shared my story and released the grudges held within me. I am thankful that I have an accountable sister-in-Christ who is willing to spend time with me to share our personal encounters with God and encourage one another how much we are blessed to be where we are today. She had quite a similar story as mine, and I was glad to know that I'm not alone in this journey. I am convinced now God has a purpose for me to be where I am today and I starting to see a small part of the puzzle.

It was indeed a challenging year of adapting in terms of studies, living outside and meeting with new people of different backgrounds. But after all been said and done I can proudly say that God is good. He has been with me throughout the whole journey of ups and downs and I am ever grateful that He has given me the opportunity to study the course I have always wanted. He has blessed me with valuable experiences with friends, priceless principles in life that I can get nowhere else and the assurance that He gave me that He is an ever faithful God who loves and cares for His child. Everybody has sinned but God has already forgiven us by sending His Son to this earth to be sacrificed on our behalf, that's how I am convinced of greatness our Father's love and who am I to keep blaming myself when my sin has already been forgiven. God uses cracked pots to waters the plants, the potter amends the pieces of broken vase into a beautiful masterpiece.

With this, I am really thankful that throughout these years He has blessed me and watch over me through thick and thin and now back to my results, even though I had the most terrible month of my life, He never fails to comfort me. Yes I cried, I cried a lot. The fear of not being able to pass my first year got so real that I kept worrying. My heart kept pounding fast every now and then. I kept telling myself, you have no time, you can't finish it, memorizing is never your forte... etc.

There was a night where I was so worried that I can't finished revising that I drank the coffee at 10pm to hopefully being able to stay awake for another 4 more hours. How foolish was I to have thought that way. That it was one of the worst things I have ever done in my life. As you would have guessed it, I couldn't sleep the entire night at all, my heart kept pounding so rapidly that I tossed back and forth on my bed for hours, in the end I couldn't bear it anymore and I decided to continue studying. About 7 am, my heart beat was so fast that I started gasping for air, I thought I must have been too nervous but no, I couldn't control at all, slow, deep breaths did not help.

My roomie got freaked out as well, it was not an easy night for her. She did try to calm me down. I got so scared that I called my parents. I just can't. I need someone to talk to, that moment of time, I realised how important family is, just at the nick of time, when I heard mum's voice I was relieved, she comforted me and asked me to just ignore that heartbeat(nurses know it best) just not panic, dad tried to calm me down as well and asked me have a proper breakfast instead of continuing with my notes. Though their voice were calm but I got to know later that day, they got so scared too that they almost wanted to rush over to my hostel(I know... the rare 'ngawww' moments I have with my parents)
Thankfully, all my fears and worries were in vain, because indeed God is stronger than all there is on earth and I am so relieved to say that my results is way better that what I expected and yes, I'm going to be a second year dental student(PTL)! God's power is indeed made perfect in weaknesses. Really, I couldn't do this without God, I felt useless for not being able to stay up late at night, like how most of my coursemates were doing. But again and again, I need to emphasize this, that God is gracious always and He has guide me through the period of exams and now I am completely set free.

It has really been a roller coaster ride for me especially for the past 9 months. Many things have changed but I am always reminded that God's faithfulness is beyond measures and I hold to that promise that He gave and I am forever grateful. I thank you for those who have prayed for me through this tough period and comforting words given, I appreciate it much.

Now that I'm completely free, hence, I decided to start blogging again. Not surehow long this will last but we'll see! :) Till the next post!

tata